Wacky First Dates!

Socks, Tevas and a TV Dinner at a 5-Star Restaurant

When you’re in your early 20′s living in one of the coolest cities in the world, there are endless possibilities when it comes to meeting guys. Unfortunately, even in the coolest city in the world, most of the time you end up meeting said guys in bars.

So, I decided to expand my horizons and well – talk to guys in random places. I’m not talking on street corners, but in subways, in bookstores, and yea, ok, sometimes on street corners. I met this one guy, who we’ll call J.S. (for Joe Schmoe) riding the A train downtown on a Friday afternoon. We were crammed up next to each other, as you always inevitably are at 5pm on a weekday in the subway, and he asked me about the green top of the fennel bulb sticking out of my shoulder canvas bag. “Fennel, from the farmer’s market,” I told him. “What do you use it for?” he asked. “You can grill it,” I replied, and launched into a tirade about all the cool things you can do with fennel as we walked off the subway together.

Our meeting over the fennel bulb turned into a highly anticipated first date at one of the poshest restaurants in the city. I bought a new outfit, of course, telling myself that this may be it! I thought – top from Armani – $80; True Religion jeans – $350; Charles David heels – $220; but meeting my soulmate, the subway guy who didn’t know what fennel was? Priceless.

Before long, I wait at the restaurant bar for him, crossing and uncrossing my legs nervously. I buy an $18 dollar martini. Chandeliers like waterfalls dangle from the ceiling, and breathtaking sweeps of dark maroon velvet curtains are draped across the marble pillars. My heart is beating, fluttering – I can’t tell which! when I see him walk through the front door. I start with his face…. clean shaven? check. I start moving down. Blue collared shirt? Check. Black blazer? Rawr…check! Nice black slacks, no pleats (thank goodness!) – check….. white socks and Teva sandals? check. WAIT. What?

Yep – Mr. Suave is in a three piece suit, albeit no tie, but he’s got on the crispest, whitest pair of tennis socks I’ve ever seen, under a brand new spanking pair of Teva hiking sandals. My mind races. Ok, I think to myself – this isn’t the end of the world. So he’s got crappy taste in shoes-to-wear-on-a-first-date-to-impress-a-girl-at-a-five-star-restaurant….really, awfully, horrifically crappy taste. But they’re just shoes, right? We can work on this. I put on my brightest and sassiest smile. We hug and I watch his sandaled feet lead me to the table. I can’t help but think that I saw the maitre’d's eyes grow wide as cucumber slices when he looked down.

We peruse the menu…and debate the exotic cuisine. Our tuxedo’d server comes over and asks us if we’re ready. I give my order politely, making a couple adjustments. “No garlic,” I told him (in case we have a good night kiss!) “and please add sauteed spinach.” I look up at J.S. with a sparkling smile. “I would like the salmon,” J.S. says. Let me clarify at this moment that “the salmon” was exactly this: grilled glazed salmon atop wasabi-ginger mashed potatoes with roasted purple potatoes and asparagus spears. J.S. continues. “But I don’t want my food groups to touch.”

“Excuse me?” the server says. He stares, blankly, at J.S.

“Excuse me?” I said. I stare, blankly, at J.S.

“You know, I don’t want my food groups to touch.” J.S. repeats. He seems baffled by our confusion.

“Excuse me?” the server says, again. I feel my face turn red, and I come to the rescue.

“Just make it look like a TV dinner”, I said flatly. J.S. smiles and nods his head, looking at the server like this is the most normal thing in the world. The server backs away, and says “oh sure, yes, of course we can do that…”.

Tick, tock, tick, tock. For some funny reason, I can’t think of anything to say. Another $18 martini goes down the hatch. Then I see our dear server coming at us with two beautiful dinner plates – FINALLY. I think to myself – “I wonder if these jeans are returnable?”

“Here we are,” the server says to us. He sets my plate down – it looks amazing. I’m famished and can’t wait to eat the three bites on the plate. He sets J.S.’s plate down – and not a second goes by before J.S. declares “I can’t eat this.” I look up from my food and look down at his.

Oh NO. The salmon was overlapping the mashed potatoes, just this teeny weeny corner, why why WHY didn’t the chef just forget about making it look pretty?

“What do you mean you can’t eat it? Just move it over,” I said cheerfully, feeling my cheeks turn red as I see the server becoming agitated. J.S. starts shaking his head vigorously. “NOoooo” he says adamantly. “I can’t eat this.” Our poor, dear server apologizes profusely, picks up J.S.’s plate, and moves away quickly. My cheeks are burning through my face….and in that split second, I knew what I had to do.

“Sorry, J.S., if you’ll excuse me for a moment – I have to use the ladies room,” I breathe, and get up before he has a chance to respond. I grab my purse, and my walk to freedom is a blur. I burst out into the clear, cool mid September night, see a flash of yellow, stick my hand up, and dive into the backseat.

“Where to?” the cabbie says.

P.G. – U.S.

He couldn’t see what was right in front of him

August 20, 2008 at 1:01 am | Posted in Happy Endings, Stories from the Girls | 1 Comment
Tags: dating, entertainment, friends, humor, life, love, personal, random, thoughts

Summer of 2005, I dated this gorgeous guy named Ryan I met at an afterhours club. We went out a few times, and it just fizzled the way that things do sometimes when you are in the dating game. In my eyes, he was just a pretty face that drank too much for me to handle and didn’t seem like the relationship type. No loss, no gain.

Almost two years later, I decide to look up random people from my past on MySpace. I happened to think of Ryan, and remembered his last name since he had it tattooed on him. I found him and added him, and after a couple messages we exchanged numbers and he told me to call him up to hang out.

One night I was extremely bored and itching to go out. It was a Friday night and one of those nights where you know stuff is going on and you want to be a part of something. I decided to text Ryan to see what was going on. He called back and said he was at work, but would be off in an hour and wanted to meet up. I let him choose the place for drinks and he picked a sports bar that he frequented. I had only been to this place once and it was 15 minutes away. I had an hour to kill so I went up to Walgreens and splurged on some cosmetics, loving the anxious butterflies feeling that I was having. Yeah, it didn’t work out the first time, but who knows? Maybe it was meant to work out now.

It was almost time, and I was heading up to the sports bar, listening to Rise Against and all amped up. We got there at the same time, but I almost didn’t recognize him because he had grown out his hair. He was still gorgeous though! It was a nice little reunion, as nice as it can be for two people who barely know each other but met two years ago. We went inside and sat at the bar, and already he knew a couple guys playing an arcade game. It was karaoke night and extremely loud, I suddenly wondered if choosing a sports bar was the best idea.

I ordered a Rum Runner, and he had a beer. The conversation was kinda stiff. I had recently quit smoking and didn’t have much to keep occupied with except my drink, which I soon finished. We talked a little here and there, attempting to yell over the music. At one point he was talking about something and I couldn’t make out what he was saying but I played along, not to mess up the flow.

I saw him glance up at the other end of the bar and wave to a group of girls that had just came in. No big deal, he comes here a lot so I’m sure he knows people. As some other disasterous act took the karaoke stage, he got out his phone and started replying to someone’s text. I looked around the packed bar in boredom, decidingly pacing myself on my second drink because the bartender was making them strong. Which, by the way, the bartender was being more talkative to me than my date was. Ryan had gone completely quiet.. what’s up with that? I noticed one of the girls Ryan knew at the opposite end of the bar, drinking a beer by herself and texting someone. She put her phone down and glanced over our way. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ryan reach for his. I acted like I didn’t notice, but after a couple more rounds of this it was quite obvious they were texting each other. At one point, I saw him give her a look like “what do you want me to do?”

I laughed in disbelief and thought to myself, shit.. what now? I already drank a strong ass drink, but I can’t stay here, I have to leave this situation. I got up and politely excused myself, leaving my half full drink on the bar and saying it was nice to see him again but I had to go. He seemed surprised but didn’t ask why, so he gave me a hug and I left. I could not get out of there fast enough. AWKWARD!

The whole way home I kept laughing out of nowhere, I just couldn’t believe it. This was definitely not the way I had planned the night to go. I went home and crawled in bed, and thought to myself that I was glad that door had been closed… it didn’t feel right in the first place. A week later this became a story to laugh about, as I met the one who I had been looking for all this time. A year and a half later, we are still together.

She wasn’t who I thought she was.

August 19, 2008 at 2:03 pm | Posted in Stories from the Guys | Leave a comment
Tags: dating, entertainment, friends, life, love, random

Not quite a date…but good story

I was driving home from work last Thursday when I heard a radio personality I listen to (Anna, and the panty-free night show), start man-bashing. She was talking about how all the guys she meets are crazy, etc, etc.

Given the tought time I’ve had trying to meet a normal girl, I came to the conclusion that I would call Z104! I honestly didn’t think I would get through, so imagine my surprise when “Anna” picked up on the first ring.

“Hello, Z104″

“Hi, I heard you bashing guys and I wanted to call and let you know it goes both ways. I meet crazy women every week! Why don’t you guys “pimp” me out and find me a normal girl?”

“LOL, ok well tell me about yourself”

As she had me on air, I described myself, what I look like, where I work, what I do for fun.

“You know what, I think I’m going to keep you for myself. Wait one second and I’ll be back to you.”

She came back to me, off air, and to make a long story short, she took my phone number and said that she would text me later. Later that night, I received the first text message. We exchanged text’s the rest of the night.

The next day, I was having dinner at a little cafe by my house and my phone rang. The number was from Z104!

She called to ask me about where I wanted to take her, what time, etc. We finalized the plans and I asked her,

“So what is your real name?”

“Devin,” she responds. “Devin (last name), the same one I use on air.”

“Oh, ok…”

I hung the phone up and was completely confused. I thought I was talking to Anna this entire time. I even had her phone number stored as “Anna” on my cell phone.

I went home and got on MySpace to look her up.

I found her.

Oh dear.

I’m not a very shallow person, but she was not what I would ever be attracted to. More importantly, I thought she was someone else the entire time!

I spent all day Saturday trying to figure out what I should do. My conclusion was that I would go on the date, be nice, and that would be all. Later that night I went out with a couple of girls I know and they told me that the best thing to do would be to not go on the date.

I decided to take their advice. I came up with a nice story to let her down nicely. I feel really bad about the whole situation, but in the long run you really need to be attracted to the person your dating. After all, you can’t see intelligence from across the room!

Jason, Virginia Beach

Two’s company, three’s a crowd…so what would 5 be?

August 19, 2008 at 2:59 am | Posted in Stories from the Guys, WTF!! | 1 Comment
Tags: entertainment, friends, humor, life, love, personal, random, thoughts

So, the other night, my friends and I went to a bar in East LA. I had decided that I would transcend my passive-aggressive self and actually approach women in the bar. Of course, this required an unreasonable amount of alcohol, but I got a number and felt pretty good about myself. And then, as I was about to leave, a girl walked in. She was splendid. The type of girl that suspends time and creates unexplainable winds to blow through her hair. The kind of girl that has inspired songs and poems. The girl that you want to wake up next to. She reminded me of Maggie Gyllenhaal, but way hotter. She came in with a short, hot blonde friend and I immediately struck conversation with them. Things were going well, I got her number, and I invited her to a concert the next day at Spaceland, she said yes. Awesome. I went home and even texted “how about dinner beforehand?” to which she responded “yes”. Oh, sweet dreams are made of these.

I woke up the next day with a spring in my step, we texted back and forth with a little banter and flirtation, I was excited. I spritzed myself with cologne, and to be frank, I even shaved my balls. I feel like I can be honest with you all.

But half an hour before I was to pick her up, this girl… we’ll call her Schmecca… because it reminds with Becca. She calls and asks “Is it okay if my SISTER comes along?”

Now, I understand you bringing along a friend. I’m a stranger, you’ve watched Hostel, you don’t want to get raped, I get it. But your SISTER? I mean, can your parents come along too? Do you want to bring your chastity belt as well?

But I say yes… because I’m a pussy.

I go to pick her and her sister up, and turns out, her sister IS the short blonde friend I had met the night prior, and she was just in town for the weekend. Understandable. Excusable. I breathe a sigh of relief and drive them to the restaurant in which I had planned to charm Schmecca’s pants off.

On the way there, Schmecca proceeds to call some people and asks me… “Hey, is it okay that I invited my friend Schmachel, AND that guy we met at the bar last night?” Um…. SERIOUSLY? You mean that guy that was flirting with you all night who looks like Jack White if he spent every afternoon at Krispy Kreme?

But again, I’m a vagina. And I said, “Sure! The more the merrier!”

So, we arrive at this Thai restaurant, which I had called earlier and specifically asked “Hi, can I make a reservation for two?” To which they responded, “For two? You won’t need one, we won’t be busy ’til 9 pm, and tables for TWO should be fine. Did we mention the number two?” At 7:30 pm, we arrive and I say to the hostess, “Table FOR FIVE please (because my date decided to invite 3 more people along!)” And the hostess replies, “I’m sorry, that won’t be possible tonight. A table for five is just too much.”

I… am not surprised. Life is good.

Still trying to salvage the night, I try to be jovial and suggest that we go find a restaurant by the concert venue, but clearly, I could not hide my all-around disappointment, as the girl of my affection and her sister seemed concerned. I really was a bit frazzled by all of this, and I had a hard time being entertaining at this point. Thus, from their perspective, I probably didn’t seem like the best date ever either. But still, I decided to press onward. I had lived through 8th grade winter formal when Beth Meyers ended up dancing with someone else during “End of the Road”… I felt like I could see this through too.

Eventually, we find a place a block from the concert that is BYOB. I purchase a six-pack from the corner store, so that we can all partake in some alcoholic intake to diffuse a somewhat awkward evening. Things seem to be normalizing, I am starting to engage in some good conversation with Schmecca….

But then, DOUCHEBAG MCGEE arrives. Yes, that is his actual name. Jack White with slight love handles shows up, and he proceeds to polish off two of my beers! But I must admit, he is one charming motherfucker! Like I would actually want to hang out with him under different circumstances. Hell, even under these circumstances, I kind of hope our paths cross again. I mean the dude invented “National High-Five Day”. How do I compete with that? He invented high-fives on a national level!! I’m incredibly fucked. High-fives are happening around me at an arousing rate.

So, I literally watch the girl that I had asked out on a date fall in love with this guy. I’m not just talking normal love, but like Notebook love, the kind that you remember even at an old age with Alzheimer’s. As in, if they don’t have children, I will be deeply offended kind of love. I swallow my pride and try to make the best of the night. Her sister is fun, her friend Schmachel is a little nuts, but in an entertaining way. This could still be good, right?

No. Absolutely not.

The check arrives. And in BIG BOLD RED letters there is a sign that reads “NO CREDIT CARDS ALLOWED. CASH ONLY.” There is a bit of confusion as people put down cards for the bill. At this point, I say “fuck it,” I’ll pay for the dinner since I took out a large amount of cash earlier when I thought I’d be treating ONE lady to a wonderful date out on the town! Thus, I purchase dinner for all the ladies at the table. Surely, they will return the favor with some drinks at the concert… or at the very least, some extended conversation from Schmecca?

Again, no. Absolutely not.

We arrive at the venue, in which the object of my affection enters for free with my +1, and NO ONE even remotely thinks to offer me a drink. Instead, I watch Schmecca fall even more in love with “John Mayer meets Horatio Sanz.” At one point, I pretend there is a glimmer of hope, and I end up sitting next to her, conversing and bantering for a little while. God, I’m smitten. She really is a sweet girl, oblivious of the fact that I think she is the best thing since the internet. But I have to go to the bathroom, having drank a lot in the evening thus far to diffuse the nerves. Upon returning from said bladder-relief, I find that Douchebag McGee has taken the seat next to Schmecca! At least your parents had some foresight in naming you, Mr. Douchebag McGee. Even Schmecca’s sister seems to feel bad for me now, as she looks at me with eyes of pity and sadness that should only be reserved for people with terminal illnesses. That have no parents. Because they died of terminal illnesses.

So, in summary, I’m sitting here, watching the girl I had asked out gaze longingly into the eyes of a much more charming man, while I sip a Pabst Blue Ribbon a few feet from the group, having basically funded AND chauffered the date between the two.

Finally, after two songs into the main band, and after the urging of many friends via text messages, I decided to use the “emergency excuse” and say that a “friend” needed help and I had to bail. I believe I heard, “Oh, but we’re having so much fun.” and a “We should do this again.” Yes! Clearly, I will be marking this in my calendar for the following Monday, so we can do this exact same scenario again, but maybe with more relatives. Please, I really, really want to re-live this.

I left and met up with friends, got drunk out of my mind and proceeded to tell this story to every table in the bar. At some point in the evening, Schmecca texted with “Hope ur friend’s ok. I’m sorry I invited such a random mix of people,” which in all honesty, was very sweet of her. I think this fiasco happened not so much because of her, she seems genuinely good, but because of an apparently potent asexual vibe I give off to women, even when I rock out with my cock out.

Normally, being a punani, I’d reply, “Hey! No problem! Friend is totally ok now. Thanks for texting!” But I was very drunk. And very bitter. My pride, which had gone missing for the past 25 years, appeared out of nowhere just to shake its head at me. So, I decided to put my foot down, and I replied, “The friend thing was a lie. It was great going on a date with you, your friend, your sister… and your real date. We should do that again sometime.”

OK, that was a little Douchebag McGee of me. But here is the kicker. She replies with one word.

“Trite.”

What?!?! That’s so deep, I can’t even process it at the moment! What about my reaction to any point of this evening is trite??? I didn’t expect to sleep with this delightful woman, I didn’t even expect a kiss at the end of the night, is it that “trite” of me to be upset after watching this girl flirt with another guy on a date that I had asked her out on… while her sister and her friend also stood by?? After I had paid for dinner… for EVERYONE???

I’m pretty sure I burned a bridge, and I’m sure I could’ve done a lot of things differently, but what would you have done? I’ve asked men and women, both friends and strangers, and they all concur that I never should’ve gone in the first place when she introduced the ‘other guy’ factor.

So, as I sit here on a Saturday night at 3 am watching A Walk To Remember and clutching a gallon of PCP with one hand and a full body pillow with the other, I wonder… is it me?

J.B.

Girl, you talk too much!

August 19, 2008 at 1:50 am | Posted in Stories from the Guys | 1 Comment
Tags: entertainment, friends, humor, life, love, personal, random, thoughts

This is an old story. Before email and iPods, there were Personal Ads.

I answered an ad to a girl who was fine on the phone and had a good write-up.

I had a good connection and asked a well-to-do friend to get me two tickets to the King Tut Exhibit at the Met Museum in NYC. It was already sold out. But he got me a couple of tickets.

I was to meet the girl at the entrance to the exhibit. She was impressed by me getting the tickets. I had my business suit on and was well groomed.

From the very first minute on, I did not get one word in. She was a politically minded person, and was bashing every guy she dated or knew. Had such negative views and complained about everything.

I am a nice guy and did not get drawn into seeing her views. She did not like that and I could see she was looking for someone to “yes” her and for her to have control over.

I did tell her in a nice manner that being this type of mind was going to get her different points of view, and problems getting people to go along with her ideas. Talk about setting off a firecracker in a crowded room!

She went off like a rocket with everyone looking. Sad, but I said (after she burned out), “I’m being nice to take you to the train station downtown.”
(I wanted to throw her under the tracks).

I had my car parked in the garage. I said I have a headache (wonder why).

As she left the car, I said, “I hope you find someone who can speak for himself and not take your crap.” I closed the door and drove away.

The next week I answered an ad and met my wife. This coming Nov 20th will be 20 years that we’ve been together.

K.P.

Myspace deception!

August 19, 2008 at 12:04 am | Posted in Stories from the Guys, WTF!! | 4 Comments
Tags: entertainment, friends, humor, life, love, personal, random, thoughts

I was talking to a girl on myspace for a bit, looks real cute in her pictures. We decide to meet at a restaurant, so I sit patiently waiting at the bar. She arrives, taps my shoulder, I turn around, and see the scariest looking [girl] I have ever seen. She looked like a man, I kid you not. Like a fat trucker man.

Never trust pics on the webs. I mean, it was her in the pics, but this was before she let herself go it seems.

J.B. Virginia

He got her all wet!

August 18, 2008 at 11:15 pm | Posted in Disastrous Stories, Funny Stories, Stories from the Guys | Leave a comment
Tags: entertainment, friends, humor, life, love, personal, random, thoughts

Went on my first date with a girl I had a crush on for months. I decided that we could go play miniature golf because I thought it would be a fun way to hang out and still be able to talk. Well after about nine holes things were not going so well. I kept trying to make her laugh with some jokes but she didn’t find any of my jokes funny.

I became desperate to impress her and make her laugh. So I figured I would wait until she took her next swing and give her a little nudge, to make her mess up and hopefully start some flirting. Well, when I nudged her she toppled over and rolled down the hill and straight into the lake right below the windmill. I felt terrible!! My crush was drenched with filthy water and our date ended that moment. I haven’t heard back from her since.

Our first story!

August 17, 2008 at 5:10 pm | Posted in Stories from the Guys, WTF!! | Leave a comment
Tags: dating, friends, humor, life, love, personal, random, thoughts

I’m sure I have plenty of stories to help you out! Lol

I met a girl at a friends house one day, in passing, as we stopped by so he could pick up a change of clothes. She was hanging out with his roommates, and while I was waiting I struck up a conversation with her. After a few moments, she gave me her number and asked me to call her sometime.

The next day I called her while she was at work. We agreed to hang out after she got off from work that night. Note: this was 4^th of July last year.

I picked her up from her house, took her to a decent restaurant, and had a nice dinner. The only problem was she kept checking her phone every 30seconds. Her body language told me she wasn’t interested…no big deal, I had to eat anyway right!

As I was paying for dinner, I asked what she was going to be watching the fireworks. She responded. “Lets just go back to your place.”

Woah!”

I was completely took off guard. She showed no interest in me during dinner, and now she wants to come back to my place. I didn’t ask any questions, and took her back to my apartment.

When we got to my place, she immediately jumped on me and started to make out with me…and the just stopped! She got on her phone, and made a few random phone calls. This went on for about 40 minutes. She just continued to call people and have random conversations as I sat on the couch.

I was over it, so I got up and put my shoes on, brought her shoes to her, and said I’m going to take you home now. She hangs up the phone and says, “What!? Why?”

“Obviously your not interested in me,” I replied

“So your just going to take me home?”

“Yep”

“Oh, no! Nobody turns me down! Guys would do anything to be with me”

“Well, not this guy”

This is when I could tell she had some latin fire in her. Her accent changed, and she started moving her neck around…lol

I took her home, told her I wished her luck, and that was that. About two days later she calls me, but I didn’t recognize the number because I deleted it from my phone. She was upset that I didn’t know who it was when she called, and was mad that I deleted her number. I had told her I only keep the numbers of people that are important to me.

Over the next two weeks she would send random texts to me. The craziest thing she did (twice) was leave songs on my voicemail. The songs were about death, and suicide, and loosing the guy she loved… YIKES!!

**Fast forward to a couple months ago**

I was at a club one night and a really pretty girl comes up to me and grabs me, calls me by name. I didn’t recognize who it was.

“You don’t recognize me, do you”

“Nope”

“I’m, -so in so- from last year,….blah blah blah”

“WOW”

She had changed a lot! She got her boobs done, toned up, changed her hair color, cut it short. She was definitely even hotter than before and she wanted me to know it. She gave me her number again, but I never called her.

Jason Virginia Beach

Participate: Tell us about a crazy date you’ve had!

August 17, 2008 at 4:06 pm | Posted in Break-up Stories, Disastrous Stories, Funny Stories, Stories from the Girls, Stories from the Guys, WTF!! | 1 Comment
Tags: dating, life, love

We have all been on some dates we’d rather not experience again…so email us your story!

Email your story to wackyfirstdates@yahoo.com